Week #2: Marriage Trends & Divorce

When I was assigned to read a publication called the "State of Our Unions" for a marriage class I’m taking I had no idea what I was in for.  I discovered a profoundly organized and impactful publication!  I began to wonder to what primary audience this publication was written.  Did government agencies, counseling organizations, churches and the like receive this publication for distribution?  I realized this material is so important but likely not being shared as it could and should be.  Touching on topics such as marriage, divorce, unmarried cohabitation, and the loss of a child-centeredness, this publication opened my eyes to some very real truths about the state of marriage in our country.  

I imagine most Americans don’t realize that cohabitation, or the trial run of marriage, is in fact not as advantageous as one would think.  Studies show that couples that live together prior to marriage “have higher rates of divorce and lower levels of marital quality…report more negative communication…” and experience increased likelihood of aggression and infidelity. (VanDenBerghe & Hawkins, 2012, p.75)  While cohabitating couples that have a child together are “twice as likely as married couple to break up before the child turns twelve” (Marquardt, et al., 2012).  One would think that this knowledge could potentially impact ones decision to enter a cohabitating relationship.  If that isn’t reason enough to reconsider the decision to cohabitate then the realization that federal studies show that “children in cohabitating households are markedly more likely to be physically, sexually, and emotionally abused than children in both intact, married families and single-parent families.”(Marquardt, et al., 2012), then I don’t know what is. 

In some ways I can see ones logic in giving marriage a “trial run” by living together before marriage.  However, I ask, where is the commitment to each other in simply paying bills together, sharing household tasks, and potentially raising a child when at any time one can walk away with potentially no legal obligation to the other?  I think about what it would have been like if my husband and I had lived together before marrying.  Having grown up in a family where living together before marriage was not practiced I know that I would have felt uncomfortable with cohabitation.  Honestly I would have felt like I was playing an adult version of “house”.  I would have wondered if at any time, if he didn’t care for my actions, the way I did or didn’t do something, if he would decide I wasn’t worth it and just leave.  What if he never realized the need for give and take in a relationship, the need for personal sacrifice for another, and decided after a time that he didn’t enjoy doing his “share” of the housework?  Would he leave?  Would I want him to leave?  I can’t think of anything about my husband, his mannerisms or behaviors, that would constitute my wanting to leave him so I don’t imagine cohabiting would have been a deal breaker in the sense that I would decide I couldn’t tolerate him.  Yet, our sharing bills and keys wouldn’t have made me want to stick it out even more if troubles did arise.  Being married, legally obligated to one another, causes one to pause when troubles arise and think about the longevity and devotion of the relationship (if even for a small moment).  This pause gives way to the realization that I signed up for this when I married him and I promised to do my best to work through whatever came our way.  Where does this kind of commitment come from with cohabitation?

When it comes to children, how adequately do child support laws protect single, unmarried mothers who are abandoned by their child’s/children’s father?  Is it more difficult for a single mother to prove paternity and therefore collect financial support from her child’s/children’s father?  Things one would not have to worry about if they were legally married.  This says nothing as to the emotional expense separation and abandonment causes for a child.  Those ramifications cannot be fixed with any amount money. 

With research inconsistent to prove that cohabitation is beneficial to marriage preparation (Marquardt, et al., 2012, p. 78) there needs to be further study of both perceived advantages and apparent disadvantages.  In the grand scheme of relationships, and their impact on communities, marriage fosters cooperative unions that not only allow and enable children to thrive but also aids to secure communities as it helps members of families to become successful as well as resilient in times of struggle. (Marquardt, et al., 2012, p. 6)  “Both the soft stories and the hard evidence attest to the fact that good marriages are undeniably worth the work, sacrifice, and dedication they require.” (VanDenBerghe & Hawkins, 2012, p.77)

References:

Marquardt, E., Blankenhorn, D., Lerman, R., Malone-Colón, L., and Wilcox, W.B. “The President’s Marriage Agenda for the Forgotten Sixty Percent,” The State of Our Unions (Charlottesville, VA: National Marriage Project and Institute for American Values, 2012).

VanDenBerghe, E., & Hawkins, A. J. (2012). The Warm, Happy Marriage: Cold, Hard Facts to Consider. Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives, 75, 77.