Week 13: Transitions in Marriage: In Law Relations

“One of the great gifts parents-in-law can give their marriage children is to recognize early that they must help define and protect the boundary of this new couple” (Hart, 2005)  I haven’t had the experience of marrying off a child yet but I look forward to one day welcoming 3 daughters-in-law and a son-in-law to our family.  I know that their becoming part of our family will be a blessing. 

When my husband and I got engaged I was excited by the idea of having another family to call my own.  My mother-in-law was less excited.  I remember calling her and talking to her and her telling me that we were so young and that she was uncertain about us getting married but that she knew it was our choice.  She expressed feelings of “losing her son”.  I, in an effort to reassure her, quickly replied, “Well really, you’re not losing a son, you’re gaining a daughter!”  I was met with silence on the other end of the phone.  While this hurt me deeply at the time (and in many ways still does) I know that my mother-in-law cares for me in some way.  I didn’t feel this action or her subsequent distancing of herself from us was on her part to respect some boundary but to rather to lay claim on her stance about our marriage.

I would agree with research that states, “…lack of marital approval, … (and) intrusion…are related to poor in-law relationships…” (Hart, 2005)  While I don’t feel that my mother-in-law’s lack of approval in any way jeopardized my marriage I do feel that her lack of approval has strained our relationship to some degree for almost 20 years.  To this day our communication is lacking and awkward.  I have made multiple efforts to reach out and to no avail.  There is so little we share in common that I feel she sees no need for or purpose in our having a relationship.  While research shows that communication is a key component to the building and maintaining of relationships between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, there appears to be little hope for mine. (Hart, 2005) 

Sometimes, I feel though that we may need to go the extra mile. In which case, we must “…develop the ability and self-discipline to think of other family members and their … needs ahead of your own. … One must be willing to forego personal convenience to invest time in establishing a firm foundation for [the] family.” (Ashton,1976)  I am recommitting to doing better at communicating and forgiving my mother-in-law for her lack of interest in our family.  I will do better to reach out to her, to extend a hand of love and accept whatever I receive in return as her best efforts, even if not what I desire or expect.  I know the Lord would want me to do this, to connect and to cherish this relationship. 

 

References:

Ashton, M. J. (1976, April). Family Communications. Ensign.

Hart, C. H. (2005). Helping and healing our families: principles and practices inspired by the family: a proclamation to the world. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.

Week #12: Transitions in Marriage: Power Relations and Children

It is meant that husbands and wives are to be equal partners.  As it says in The Family: A Proclamation to the World, “…fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.” (The Family, para. 7)  This leaves no room for exceptions when it comes to a man (or women) believing that they can exercise unrighteous dominion over their spouse.  H. Burke Peterson said, “Sometimes a husband may believe that his role as head of the house gives him a right to be exacting and arbitrarily prescribe what his wife should do.  But in a home established on a righteous foundation, the relationship of a man and woman should be one of partnership.  A husband should not make decrees.  Rather, he should work with his wife until a joint decision palatable to both is developed.” (Miller, 2008)

The Lord meant for husbands and wives to be equal partners, equally yoked in power to work the teachings of the gospel of Jesus Christ into family life.  This approach warrants the greatest number of blessings as well as fosters the greatest level of respect among marriage partners.  Respect for the priesthood as well as motherhood gives great balance to a marriage relationship and allow each spouse to balance the deficiencies of the other. 

 

There is no room for competition in marriage.  “Sometimes patriarchal leadership is misconstrued and exercised inappropriately by husbands, almost as if they were competing with their family members.  If their wives or children held opinions that differed with theirs, they were not honoring his priesthood.  What a sad distortion of the majesty and beauty of the priesthood authority!” (Brinley, 1994) We all have valuable insights and experience to bring to our marriages, there is no need for an imbalance of power.

While it is most often spoken of that men have this challenge it is not without saying that women too can exhibit or foster an imbalance of power in their marriages.  When parenting practices or household purchases (such as furniture) are not considered for consultation between spouses then there can become a feeling of exclusion for husbands.  While these practices may seem benign they can perpetuate further exclusion and power imbalance if tolerated or unchecked too long.  If a wife makes a large purchase without consulting her husband and he disregards it then there is a greater likelihood that she will not hesitate to fail to consult him again in the future.  I am not saying that women can’t make decisions without men but that a relationship built on mutual consideration exemplifies respect and mutual appreciation of the others view.  

References:

Brinley, D. E. (1994). Strengthening your marriage and family. Salt Lake City, UT: Bookcraft.

Miller, R. B. (2008, March). Who is the Boss?  Power Relationships in Families. Brigham Young University.

The family: A proclamation to the world. (1995, November). Ensign, 25, p. 102.

                                 

Week 11: Transitions in marriage: Fidelity and Physical Intimacy

I don’t believe anyone enters marriage thinking or knowing that one day they will become unfaithful to their spouse.  I suppose it is possible but I would hope it is a rarity.  I know that for a dear friend, Sarah (name changed by request), she never saw her eternal marriage encountering the pain of infidelity.  Sarah and her husband Peter (name change by request) met and fell in love at an early age.  They were married in 1998 and began a life that would not be absent of challenge.  It wasn't long after marrying that Sarah and Peter became aware of their inability to conceive.  Painful and expensive fertility treatment along with subsequent miscarriages brought them to their collective knees in desperation to have a family.  In time it was evident that adoption was the answer.  It was some time later that a family had need of placing triplets and Sarah and Peter were blessed to become their eternal parents.  The kids were sealed to Sarah and Peter shortly after their adoption was finalized.  It was a beautiful and happy day for this sweet family. 

Sarah and Peter appeared, for all intents and purposes, to have a very solid and happy marriage.  They were great parents that deeply loved their children and each other.  Peter was a hard worker and had a knack for balancing home and family with a career that often took him on trips for days at a time.  In his industry there was many lunch meetings, overnight trips, and long work nights.  These may seem innocent in the grand scheme of things but when accompanied by festering dissatisfaction in ones marriage and seeking relief from the tensions of home, these can be opportunities for Satan to influence and encourage unfaithfulness.  Peter worked closely with a female coworker, often traveling together for overnight trips and meetings.  Shared cabs, work lunches (consisting of just the two of them), traveling together on business trips (including shared rental cars), etc.  all contributed to their consistent exposure to each other.  It is hard in such circumstances to not find oneself talking of home, children, and even frustrations with both. 

It wasn’t long after these trips and shared encounters began that there was a growing affection between Peter and his coworker.  In the name of “saving company money” they justified their shared encounters.  Before they knew it there was a breach and breaking of covenants for Peter and marriage vows for his coworker.  Two families were destroyed, four children (collectively) impacted eternally by the actions of one of their parents.  What started out as innocent attempts to “save money” ended up costing Peter and his coworker their families. 

Dr. H. Wallace Goddard shares the progression of unfaithfulness:

1. Behaviors that seem innocent (i.e., missionary work, doing good, helping in some capacity).
2. An affection grows that claims part of one’s heart.
3. Extramarital flirting. Justification – “No harm intended”.
4. Relationship described as “special”.
5. Opportunities created to see “special friend” (one worries what others will say/think).
6. Excuses made, lies told to hide time and resources spent on other person.
7. Spouse is displaced.  Emotional intimacy exchanged with “special friend”.
8. Faultfinding with spouse.
9. Fantasies about other person.
10. Physical affection- a hug, a kiss.
11. Sexual relations.

(Goddard, 2009)

Veon G. Smith in an address titled “Warning Signs of Infidelity” shared this insight, “Fidelity, like infidelity, is a process. Fidelity, the positive quality, is measured by the degree of loyalty, allegiance, and commitment between husband and wife. Infidelity, the negative quality, results from insufficient feelings of loyalty and allegiance. Any action that fosters inappropriate relationships with another person erodes fidelity.”  Peter may have thought his actions innocent but he set himself up to be tempted and influenced by the adversary.  Sadly, this can happen to anyone if not vigilant in their efforts to guard and protect the fidelity of their marriage. 

One way that my husband and I attempt to safeguard our marriage from such temptation is to follow a mission rule my husband (and likely many missionaries) are asked to adhere to.  We never put ourselves in the position to be alone with someone of the opposite sex that is not our spouse.  This means no sharing rides, no lunches for work meetings or otherwise (without other coworkers present), no shared rental cars on business trips, etc.  If we are ever in a position where we find ourselves alone with someone of the opposite sex we do whatever we can to remedy it.  For instance, I was going to the church building recently prior to an activity.  I entered the building to find that I was the only person there other than a fellow male ward member.  Once I realized that no one else had arrived yet I politely excused myself and went to sit in my car until more people arrived.  I know that nothing would have transpired between us other than casual talk but it was against the rule my husband and I made for our marriage to do so.  So my going to my car safeguarded me.  Also, in an attempt to avoid the “appearance” of evil it is a good idea to avoid being alone with someone that is not your spouse.  Someone could potentially misinterpret your interactions and cause unnecessary hurt to ones spouse. 

While our rule may seem silly, and at times I will admit it is not always convenient, it is meant to be a safeguard and it further exhibits our commitment to one another and our desire to protect and value our marriage above all else.  I’ll take the inconvenience for eternal happiness with my sweetheart any day!

 

References:

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Smith, V.G. (1975, January). Warning Signs of Infidelity. Ensign.

Week 10#: Seek to Understand

The more we commend our spouse, the more we see in them to commend (Goddard, 2009).  Dr. Wallace Goddard states that most of us enjoy at least 80% of our spouse’s traits, the remaining 20% tend to annoy and cause us ill feelings.  John Gottman has made some intriguing discoveries about the 20% we tend to dislike.  He says that roughly 70% of what we do not like simply cannot be changed (Goddard, 2009).  I’m not a math person but I like to quantify things as best as possible to understand them.  So, let’s say my spouse exhibits 100 qualities/characteristics.  If I tolerate 80 of them and dislike 20 of them I’d say that’s pretty good.  If I cannot change 70% of the 20 characteristics, which equates to 14 them, then there are only 6 characteristics that I have much, if any, control over aiding in changing.  I am sorry but if there are 80 I can enjoy and 14 I cannot change but must accept through charity and selflessness, then why would I choose to be intolerant, turn away, criticize, or consider leaving him over 6 characteristics? 

 

If we view the things we don't like as being the majority, we are less likely to be successful at resolving our differences.  Let's keep things in perspective...

“Keep working on your unresolvable conflicts.  Couples who are demanding of their marriages are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions than those who lower their expectations.” (Gottman, 2015)  If there were only 6 unresolvable matters that pertained to my spouse and I had little or no influence on changing them there doesn’t need to be entire abandonment of efforts to accept them.  I may never change the fact that my husband is practical about everything, including his leaving his wet gym clothes laying on our tub to “dry” as opposed to putting them in the hamper where they may “stink up the closet”.  While their presence on the tub causes me slight annoyance I understand his practical nature and appreciate his thoughtfulness at not wanting to smell up our closet.  I may not change his actions, to him they seem logical, but I can accept them and learn to (as I have) overlook them.  Does it matter that they are there?  Why does it bother me?  If he isn’t quick to put them in the hamper once they are dry, I can do it!  There is no harm or great sacrifice in my doing this.  I don’t see this as lowering my expectations but instead exhibiting charity so as to build the strength of my marriage.  As Dr. Goddard said, “The single most promising marriage-fixing effort is not tinkering with our partners’ characters; it is in loving, cherishing, and appreciating them!” (Goddard, 2009)

We can best understand our spouses if we can better see ourselves in their shoes, to see things from their perspective.  Let us not be critical but understanding.  Let us see and accept our own flaws so that we might better accept those of our spouse.  Christie H. Frandsen in a talk titled “Is There Trust in Your Marriage?” said, “I have found that trust in my spouse does not require that we agree in every decision—that is simply unrealistic. It does mean, however, that I securely trust his efforts and good intentions. Then when differences occur, communication and compromise can take place in an atmosphere of good will and love. For both of us, forgiveness and tolerance have become important manifestations of that basic trust. In such an environment, despite occasional errors in judgment, our trust has remained high, our love and understanding have flourished, and our marriage bonds have become stronger. The trust that we have invested in each other has yielded a rich return.” (Frandsen, 1988)  Trusting in our spouses’ intentions and manifesting trust as we tolerate behaviors or actions that are harmless further exemplifies our desire to be more like the Savior.  

I want to honor and cherish my husband.  I can do this by seeking to understand his intentions, his actions, and his choices.  By communicating with him openly and warmly I can seek to understand his perspective and to gain a greater understanding of his thinking.  By seeking to understand I am seeking to strengthen our bond.

References:

Frandsen, C.H. (1988, September). Is There Trust in Your Marriage?. Ensign.

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J.M. (2015). Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Week #9 - Managing Conflict; Consecrating Ourselves

“…Our whole soul offerings are likely to bless our partners even as they refine us.” (Goddard, 2009)  Offering ourselves wholeheartedly to our spouse can be hard at times.  We all have an innate desire to have solitude and tendencies to be selfish.  To be able to see the potential refinement of these offerings can be easy at times. However, do we always see the ways in which these offerings bless the life of our spouse?  

I may not be motivated to change myself but I am motivated to bless my spouse.  I adore Rob and I feel it a great blessing to have him as my eternal companion.  I accept his faults just as he accepts mine and together we attempt daily to offer ourselves to each other so as to bless not just each other but also our family.  When we do our best to keep an eternal perspective in all our doings we are most successful at meeting each others needs, avoiding conflict, and building the strengths of our relationship further.  

It is our experience that most problems we encounter are solvable.  Our problems are “less painful, gut-wrenching, or intense than perpetual…ones” (Gottman, 2015).  We have been able to avoid much of the frustration associated with perpetual problems by following some of Dr. Gottman’s keys to managing conflict.  These are:

1.     Negative Emotions are important.  Listening to our spouse’s negative feelings can be hard but is important to their feeling heard and listened to.  In time and with effort one can learn to decipher the true meaning behind ones negative emotions.

2.     No one is right.   It is important to remember that we are all imperfect and have our own perceptions, which can often vary from that of our spouse.

3.     Acceptance is crucial.  When our spouse feels accepted by us then they are more inclined to trust us and to feel our love and accept our advice or assistance. 

4.     Focus on fondness and admiration.  Learning to accept faults and to instead focus our attention on our mutual fondness and admiration for one another will serve us better than focusing on our contentions. 

When it comes to solving solvable problems in marriage it is helpful to follow the steps Dr. Gottman’s outlines:

1.     Soften your start-up.  If we can approach a problem without introducing the Four Horseman (referenced in an earlier post) we are more likely to be successful at resolving the problem.  This can include taking some responsibility for the problem at hand.  Dr. Gottman says the best soft start-up have four parts: “(1) “I share some responsibility for this…” (2) Here’s how I feel… (3) about a specific situation and … (4) here’s what I need…(positive need, not what you don’t need).” (Gottman, 2015)

2.     Learn to make and receive repair attempts.  “What separates stable, emotionally intelligent marriages from others is not that their repair attempts are necessarily more skillful or better thought out but that repair attempts get through to the spouse.” (Gottman, 2015)

3.     Soothe yourself and each other.  If we can avoid flooding then the repair attempts we make are more likely to be received by our spouses.  Sometimes taking a break from a tense conversation can allow avoidance of flooding and a better chance to successful resolution when meeting again to discuss it after each spouse is calm again.

4.     Compromise.  By accepting the influence of each other we can better reach a compromise to our problems.

5.     Process any grievances so that they don’t linger.  Resolution of problems will best serve a couple over burying and further rehashing at later times.  “If emotional injuries are not addressed, they tend to become constant irritants-like a stone in your shoe that you keep walking on.” (Gottman, 2015)

As we offer our whole souls to our spouse and do our best to avoid perpetual problems as well as to constructively solve those problems that are solvable, we can find greater peace and happiness in marriage.  It isn’t always easy but typically anything worth having in life is worth working hard to achieve.  Why would marriage be any different?

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J.M. (2015). Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.