Week 13: Transitions in Marriage: In Law Relations

“One of the great gifts parents-in-law can give their marriage children is to recognize early that they must help define and protect the boundary of this new couple” (Hart, 2005)  I haven’t had the experience of marrying off a child yet but I look forward to one day welcoming 3 daughters-in-law and a son-in-law to our family.  I know that their becoming part of our family will be a blessing. 

When my husband and I got engaged I was excited by the idea of having another family to call my own.  My mother-in-law was less excited.  I remember calling her and talking to her and her telling me that we were so young and that she was uncertain about us getting married but that she knew it was our choice.  She expressed feelings of “losing her son”.  I, in an effort to reassure her, quickly replied, “Well really, you’re not losing a son, you’re gaining a daughter!”  I was met with silence on the other end of the phone.  While this hurt me deeply at the time (and in many ways still does) I know that my mother-in-law cares for me in some way.  I didn’t feel this action or her subsequent distancing of herself from us was on her part to respect some boundary but to rather to lay claim on her stance about our marriage.

I would agree with research that states, “…lack of marital approval, … (and) intrusion…are related to poor in-law relationships…” (Hart, 2005)  While I don’t feel that my mother-in-law’s lack of approval in any way jeopardized my marriage I do feel that her lack of approval has strained our relationship to some degree for almost 20 years.  To this day our communication is lacking and awkward.  I have made multiple efforts to reach out and to no avail.  There is so little we share in common that I feel she sees no need for or purpose in our having a relationship.  While research shows that communication is a key component to the building and maintaining of relationships between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, there appears to be little hope for mine. (Hart, 2005) 

Sometimes, I feel though that we may need to go the extra mile. In which case, we must “…develop the ability and self-discipline to think of other family members and their … needs ahead of your own. … One must be willing to forego personal convenience to invest time in establishing a firm foundation for [the] family.” (Ashton,1976)  I am recommitting to doing better at communicating and forgiving my mother-in-law for her lack of interest in our family.  I will do better to reach out to her, to extend a hand of love and accept whatever I receive in return as her best efforts, even if not what I desire or expect.  I know the Lord would want me to do this, to connect and to cherish this relationship. 

 

References:

Ashton, M. J. (1976, April). Family Communications. Ensign.

Hart, C. H. (2005). Helping and healing our families: principles and practices inspired by the family: a proclamation to the world. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.

Week #12: Transitions in Marriage: Power Relations and Children

It is meant that husbands and wives are to be equal partners.  As it says in The Family: A Proclamation to the World, “…fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.” (The Family, para. 7)  This leaves no room for exceptions when it comes to a man (or women) believing that they can exercise unrighteous dominion over their spouse.  H. Burke Peterson said, “Sometimes a husband may believe that his role as head of the house gives him a right to be exacting and arbitrarily prescribe what his wife should do.  But in a home established on a righteous foundation, the relationship of a man and woman should be one of partnership.  A husband should not make decrees.  Rather, he should work with his wife until a joint decision palatable to both is developed.” (Miller, 2008)

The Lord meant for husbands and wives to be equal partners, equally yoked in power to work the teachings of the gospel of Jesus Christ into family life.  This approach warrants the greatest number of blessings as well as fosters the greatest level of respect among marriage partners.  Respect for the priesthood as well as motherhood gives great balance to a marriage relationship and allow each spouse to balance the deficiencies of the other. 

 

There is no room for competition in marriage.  “Sometimes patriarchal leadership is misconstrued and exercised inappropriately by husbands, almost as if they were competing with their family members.  If their wives or children held opinions that differed with theirs, they were not honoring his priesthood.  What a sad distortion of the majesty and beauty of the priesthood authority!” (Brinley, 1994) We all have valuable insights and experience to bring to our marriages, there is no need for an imbalance of power.

While it is most often spoken of that men have this challenge it is not without saying that women too can exhibit or foster an imbalance of power in their marriages.  When parenting practices or household purchases (such as furniture) are not considered for consultation between spouses then there can become a feeling of exclusion for husbands.  While these practices may seem benign they can perpetuate further exclusion and power imbalance if tolerated or unchecked too long.  If a wife makes a large purchase without consulting her husband and he disregards it then there is a greater likelihood that she will not hesitate to fail to consult him again in the future.  I am not saying that women can’t make decisions without men but that a relationship built on mutual consideration exemplifies respect and mutual appreciation of the others view.  

References:

Brinley, D. E. (1994). Strengthening your marriage and family. Salt Lake City, UT: Bookcraft.

Miller, R. B. (2008, March). Who is the Boss?  Power Relationships in Families. Brigham Young University.

The family: A proclamation to the world. (1995, November). Ensign, 25, p. 102.

                                 

Week 11: Transitions in marriage: Fidelity and Physical Intimacy

I don’t believe anyone enters marriage thinking or knowing that one day they will become unfaithful to their spouse.  I suppose it is possible but I would hope it is a rarity.  I know that for a dear friend, Sarah (name changed by request), she never saw her eternal marriage encountering the pain of infidelity.  Sarah and her husband Peter (name change by request) met and fell in love at an early age.  They were married in 1998 and began a life that would not be absent of challenge.  It wasn't long after marrying that Sarah and Peter became aware of their inability to conceive.  Painful and expensive fertility treatment along with subsequent miscarriages brought them to their collective knees in desperation to have a family.  In time it was evident that adoption was the answer.  It was some time later that a family had need of placing triplets and Sarah and Peter were blessed to become their eternal parents.  The kids were sealed to Sarah and Peter shortly after their adoption was finalized.  It was a beautiful and happy day for this sweet family. 

Sarah and Peter appeared, for all intents and purposes, to have a very solid and happy marriage.  They were great parents that deeply loved their children and each other.  Peter was a hard worker and had a knack for balancing home and family with a career that often took him on trips for days at a time.  In his industry there was many lunch meetings, overnight trips, and long work nights.  These may seem innocent in the grand scheme of things but when accompanied by festering dissatisfaction in ones marriage and seeking relief from the tensions of home, these can be opportunities for Satan to influence and encourage unfaithfulness.  Peter worked closely with a female coworker, often traveling together for overnight trips and meetings.  Shared cabs, work lunches (consisting of just the two of them), traveling together on business trips (including shared rental cars), etc.  all contributed to their consistent exposure to each other.  It is hard in such circumstances to not find oneself talking of home, children, and even frustrations with both. 

It wasn’t long after these trips and shared encounters began that there was a growing affection between Peter and his coworker.  In the name of “saving company money” they justified their shared encounters.  Before they knew it there was a breach and breaking of covenants for Peter and marriage vows for his coworker.  Two families were destroyed, four children (collectively) impacted eternally by the actions of one of their parents.  What started out as innocent attempts to “save money” ended up costing Peter and his coworker their families. 

Dr. H. Wallace Goddard shares the progression of unfaithfulness:

1. Behaviors that seem innocent (i.e., missionary work, doing good, helping in some capacity).
2. An affection grows that claims part of one’s heart.
3. Extramarital flirting. Justification – “No harm intended”.
4. Relationship described as “special”.
5. Opportunities created to see “special friend” (one worries what others will say/think).
6. Excuses made, lies told to hide time and resources spent on other person.
7. Spouse is displaced.  Emotional intimacy exchanged with “special friend”.
8. Faultfinding with spouse.
9. Fantasies about other person.
10. Physical affection- a hug, a kiss.
11. Sexual relations.

(Goddard, 2009)

Veon G. Smith in an address titled “Warning Signs of Infidelity” shared this insight, “Fidelity, like infidelity, is a process. Fidelity, the positive quality, is measured by the degree of loyalty, allegiance, and commitment between husband and wife. Infidelity, the negative quality, results from insufficient feelings of loyalty and allegiance. Any action that fosters inappropriate relationships with another person erodes fidelity.”  Peter may have thought his actions innocent but he set himself up to be tempted and influenced by the adversary.  Sadly, this can happen to anyone if not vigilant in their efforts to guard and protect the fidelity of their marriage. 

One way that my husband and I attempt to safeguard our marriage from such temptation is to follow a mission rule my husband (and likely many missionaries) are asked to adhere to.  We never put ourselves in the position to be alone with someone of the opposite sex that is not our spouse.  This means no sharing rides, no lunches for work meetings or otherwise (without other coworkers present), no shared rental cars on business trips, etc.  If we are ever in a position where we find ourselves alone with someone of the opposite sex we do whatever we can to remedy it.  For instance, I was going to the church building recently prior to an activity.  I entered the building to find that I was the only person there other than a fellow male ward member.  Once I realized that no one else had arrived yet I politely excused myself and went to sit in my car until more people arrived.  I know that nothing would have transpired between us other than casual talk but it was against the rule my husband and I made for our marriage to do so.  So my going to my car safeguarded me.  Also, in an attempt to avoid the “appearance” of evil it is a good idea to avoid being alone with someone that is not your spouse.  Someone could potentially misinterpret your interactions and cause unnecessary hurt to ones spouse. 

While our rule may seem silly, and at times I will admit it is not always convenient, it is meant to be a safeguard and it further exhibits our commitment to one another and our desire to protect and value our marriage above all else.  I’ll take the inconvenience for eternal happiness with my sweetheart any day!

 

References:

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Smith, V.G. (1975, January). Warning Signs of Infidelity. Ensign.

Week 10#: Seek to Understand

The more we commend our spouse, the more we see in them to commend (Goddard, 2009).  Dr. Wallace Goddard states that most of us enjoy at least 80% of our spouse’s traits, the remaining 20% tend to annoy and cause us ill feelings.  John Gottman has made some intriguing discoveries about the 20% we tend to dislike.  He says that roughly 70% of what we do not like simply cannot be changed (Goddard, 2009).  I’m not a math person but I like to quantify things as best as possible to understand them.  So, let’s say my spouse exhibits 100 qualities/characteristics.  If I tolerate 80 of them and dislike 20 of them I’d say that’s pretty good.  If I cannot change 70% of the 20 characteristics, which equates to 14 them, then there are only 6 characteristics that I have much, if any, control over aiding in changing.  I am sorry but if there are 80 I can enjoy and 14 I cannot change but must accept through charity and selflessness, then why would I choose to be intolerant, turn away, criticize, or consider leaving him over 6 characteristics? 

 

If we view the things we don't like as being the majority, we are less likely to be successful at resolving our differences.  Let's keep things in perspective...

“Keep working on your unresolvable conflicts.  Couples who are demanding of their marriages are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions than those who lower their expectations.” (Gottman, 2015)  If there were only 6 unresolvable matters that pertained to my spouse and I had little or no influence on changing them there doesn’t need to be entire abandonment of efforts to accept them.  I may never change the fact that my husband is practical about everything, including his leaving his wet gym clothes laying on our tub to “dry” as opposed to putting them in the hamper where they may “stink up the closet”.  While their presence on the tub causes me slight annoyance I understand his practical nature and appreciate his thoughtfulness at not wanting to smell up our closet.  I may not change his actions, to him they seem logical, but I can accept them and learn to (as I have) overlook them.  Does it matter that they are there?  Why does it bother me?  If he isn’t quick to put them in the hamper once they are dry, I can do it!  There is no harm or great sacrifice in my doing this.  I don’t see this as lowering my expectations but instead exhibiting charity so as to build the strength of my marriage.  As Dr. Goddard said, “The single most promising marriage-fixing effort is not tinkering with our partners’ characters; it is in loving, cherishing, and appreciating them!” (Goddard, 2009)

We can best understand our spouses if we can better see ourselves in their shoes, to see things from their perspective.  Let us not be critical but understanding.  Let us see and accept our own flaws so that we might better accept those of our spouse.  Christie H. Frandsen in a talk titled “Is There Trust in Your Marriage?” said, “I have found that trust in my spouse does not require that we agree in every decision—that is simply unrealistic. It does mean, however, that I securely trust his efforts and good intentions. Then when differences occur, communication and compromise can take place in an atmosphere of good will and love. For both of us, forgiveness and tolerance have become important manifestations of that basic trust. In such an environment, despite occasional errors in judgment, our trust has remained high, our love and understanding have flourished, and our marriage bonds have become stronger. The trust that we have invested in each other has yielded a rich return.” (Frandsen, 1988)  Trusting in our spouses’ intentions and manifesting trust as we tolerate behaviors or actions that are harmless further exemplifies our desire to be more like the Savior.  

I want to honor and cherish my husband.  I can do this by seeking to understand his intentions, his actions, and his choices.  By communicating with him openly and warmly I can seek to understand his perspective and to gain a greater understanding of his thinking.  By seeking to understand I am seeking to strengthen our bond.

References:

Frandsen, C.H. (1988, September). Is There Trust in Your Marriage?. Ensign.

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J.M. (2015). Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Week #9 - Managing Conflict; Consecrating Ourselves

“…Our whole soul offerings are likely to bless our partners even as they refine us.” (Goddard, 2009)  Offering ourselves wholeheartedly to our spouse can be hard at times.  We all have an innate desire to have solitude and tendencies to be selfish.  To be able to see the potential refinement of these offerings can be easy at times. However, do we always see the ways in which these offerings bless the life of our spouse?  

I may not be motivated to change myself but I am motivated to bless my spouse.  I adore Rob and I feel it a great blessing to have him as my eternal companion.  I accept his faults just as he accepts mine and together we attempt daily to offer ourselves to each other so as to bless not just each other but also our family.  When we do our best to keep an eternal perspective in all our doings we are most successful at meeting each others needs, avoiding conflict, and building the strengths of our relationship further.  

It is our experience that most problems we encounter are solvable.  Our problems are “less painful, gut-wrenching, or intense than perpetual…ones” (Gottman, 2015).  We have been able to avoid much of the frustration associated with perpetual problems by following some of Dr. Gottman’s keys to managing conflict.  These are:

1.     Negative Emotions are important.  Listening to our spouse’s negative feelings can be hard but is important to their feeling heard and listened to.  In time and with effort one can learn to decipher the true meaning behind ones negative emotions.

2.     No one is right.   It is important to remember that we are all imperfect and have our own perceptions, which can often vary from that of our spouse.

3.     Acceptance is crucial.  When our spouse feels accepted by us then they are more inclined to trust us and to feel our love and accept our advice or assistance. 

4.     Focus on fondness and admiration.  Learning to accept faults and to instead focus our attention on our mutual fondness and admiration for one another will serve us better than focusing on our contentions. 

When it comes to solving solvable problems in marriage it is helpful to follow the steps Dr. Gottman’s outlines:

1.     Soften your start-up.  If we can approach a problem without introducing the Four Horseman (referenced in an earlier post) we are more likely to be successful at resolving the problem.  This can include taking some responsibility for the problem at hand.  Dr. Gottman says the best soft start-up have four parts: “(1) “I share some responsibility for this…” (2) Here’s how I feel… (3) about a specific situation and … (4) here’s what I need…(positive need, not what you don’t need).” (Gottman, 2015)

2.     Learn to make and receive repair attempts.  “What separates stable, emotionally intelligent marriages from others is not that their repair attempts are necessarily more skillful or better thought out but that repair attempts get through to the spouse.” (Gottman, 2015)

3.     Soothe yourself and each other.  If we can avoid flooding then the repair attempts we make are more likely to be received by our spouses.  Sometimes taking a break from a tense conversation can allow avoidance of flooding and a better chance to successful resolution when meeting again to discuss it after each spouse is calm again.

4.     Compromise.  By accepting the influence of each other we can better reach a compromise to our problems.

5.     Process any grievances so that they don’t linger.  Resolution of problems will best serve a couple over burying and further rehashing at later times.  “If emotional injuries are not addressed, they tend to become constant irritants-like a stone in your shoe that you keep walking on.” (Gottman, 2015)

As we offer our whole souls to our spouse and do our best to avoid perpetual problems as well as to constructively solve those problems that are solvable, we can find greater peace and happiness in marriage.  It isn’t always easy but typically anything worth having in life is worth working hard to achieve.  Why would marriage be any different?

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J.M. (2015). Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Week #8 - Beware of Pride

While some mistakes and missteps in marriage are intentional and purposeful among spouses there is one that can often be committed in ignorance.  The sin I speak of is pride.  While many think of pride as “self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness” there remains a central feature of pride that President Ezra Taft Benson identifies as “enmity”.  (Benson, 1989)  This enmity can be toward God and toward His children.  Enmity is said to mean “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition”. (Benson, 1989) 

In his address titled “Beware of Pride”, President Benson shares ways that pride is manifest in our lives (and marriages).  He says, “It is…in…faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous”.  (Benson, 1989)  Many of these manifestations can exist in a marriage.  In a material world there are many that live well beyond their means as they attempt to keep up with neighbors, friends, or a perceived necessary lifestyle.  I have heard friends speak of their envy and jealousy of other friends who travel abroad, drive high end cars, or live in large and unnecessarily spacious homes.  While we all desire to have nice things our priorities should lie in providing needs first and wants only if practical and affordable. 

We live now in a home that is about half the size of our old home in Ohio.  We went from almost 4,000 square feet to just over 2,000 in our move in 2015.  It was tempting to purchase a larger home, to have something similar to the home we had back east.  But the home prices in Arizona are much higher and an equivalent home would cost us almost three times as much a month.  While the extra space would be nice, it isn’t necessary to the general happiness and security of our family so we choose to be happy where we are and content with what we have.  Now I won’t lie and say that I never enter another persons home that is larger and wish that I had more space but these experiences always give me the opportunity to reflect on why we moved to begin with.  We moved to be closer to our family in the west.  We knew there would be sacrifices for all of us and that they would be hard but we have felt profoundly blessed in making them. 

As for the many other aspects of pride that President Benson mentioned, namely backbiting, faultfinding, murmuring, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving, these can wreak havoc on a marriage too!  Dr. H. Wallace Goddard in his book, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” says that, “acceptance may be more important than change in strong marriages.” (Goddard, 2009)  Our acceptance of our partner’s faults, bad habits, and differences can either tear us apart or, with acceptance, allow us to come together.  Often times the fault we find is more with ourselves than with our partner.  Is his leaving his wet gym clothes hanging over the side of the bathtub hurting anyone?  No.  Are they unsightly to me?  YES!  If I told him that I didn’t like them there he may move them, he may not.  But in the grand scheme of life and eternity, they aren’t hurting anyone and it doesn't matter.  And if it doesn't matter then I can let it go because my relationship with my husband is more important than getting frustrated about some wet gym clothes.  He doesn’t intend to upset me, I know.  And even if he knew it bothered me and did it just the same, a conversation about why it bothered me and why he would do it knowing it bothered me would prove more beneficial than stewing about it.  Having this conversation would be what Dr. Goddard called, “…getting heaven’s perspective and being open to our partner’s point of view”. (Goddard, 2009) 

If we are to avoid pride in marriage and with all our relationships we must make it a choice in all encounters.  We have to choose to forgive, as hard as it may be sometimes.  As it says outside a country church in Alabama “A happy marriage is the union of two forgivers.” (Goddard, 2009) 

 

 

References:

Benson, E. T. (1989, May).  Beware of Pride. Ensign.

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Week #7: Staying Emotionally Connected

 The need to stay emotionally connected in a marriage is imperative.  Emotional connected is just as important, if not more so, than physical connection.  Often times a strong emotional connection lends to a strong physical connection.  Although staying emotionally connected can be challenging in the fast paced, technology driven nature of our society, it is not impossible and in fact is extremely rewarding.

Being emotionally connected to ones spouse requires what Dr. John Gottman calls “turning toward” each other.  In his book “The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work” he lays out the steps to accomplishing this.  These steps include;

1. Be aware of how important the small moments are to ones marriage and its trust level and ongoing level of romance. 
2. Avoid “missing” bids that may be wrapped in a negative emotion such as anger or frustration. (e.g. an exasperated wife weighed down by pregnancy fatigue complains aloud that she feels like she is always the one to empty the dishwasher.  She is seeking help but failing to ask for it appropriately due to her fatigue.)
3. Avoid the many distractions of the technological world.  Unplug from devices and plug into your marriage.
4. Practice active listening when having “stress reducing conversations”.  Be sure to practice the following:
   1. Take turns complaining.
   2. Show real interest in your partner's sharing.
   3. Avoid giving advice that likely isn’t needed, just listen!
   4. Share your understanding by communicating it through shared emotion (e.g. “I can see your upset, I would be upset too.” Or “I am sorry you have to go through this.”)
   5. Be sure to take the side of your partner, presenting a united front.
   6. Express an attitude of unity, let your spouse know they are not alone.
   7. Express and show affection for one another.
   8. Be sure to validate the emotions of your spouse (e.g. I can see why this has upset you.”)
5. When facing fear, sadness or anger acknowledge your awareness and be present while listening intently.
   1. Acknowledge difficulty associated with their emotions.
   2. If personally feeling overwhelmed by your partners problems practice self-soothing.
   3. Keep in mind that the ultimate goal is understanding, don’t attempt to problem-solve.
   4. Explore their emotions by using exploratory statements (e.g. “Tell me more about how that upset you.”) and by asking open-ended questions (e.g. “What do you see as the worst outcome of this?”).
   5. Avoid asking “Why?” as this can come across as a criticism.
   6. Be a witness to their experience and help them to feel their experience matters to you.

In nurturing our relationships we need to be sure that we are also continually nurturing our own emotional and physical health.  By so doing we can be better attuned to the needs of our spouse and better capable of turning toward them.  “The deeper our own mental, emotional, and spiritual reserves are, the greater will be our capacity to nurture and love others, especially our companion.” (Jensen, 1994)

We all have need of connection and marriage can be a place of secure and happiness promoting connection if we continually strive to turn toward one another.  “Marriage can contribute to happiness by satisfying the deep human need for emotional closeness, providing a constant companion with whom to raise a family, go to church, and pray…and it does have an impact on peace of mind.” (VanDenBerghe, 2001)  I know that as I turn toward my spouse I feel a greater degree of closeness.  As we successfully turn toward one another in times of need, whether in sadness or pain, we foster a growing level of security and contentment in our marriage.  Shared feelings, unification of purpose, and knowing that one is not alone allow us to feel safe in our relationship and promote future potential success in our efforts to turn toward each other and remain emotionally connected.  

 

References:

Gottman, J.M. (2015). Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away. The Seven Principles

for Making Marriage Work. (pp.87-105)

Jensen, M.K. (1994, October). A Union of Love and Understanding. Ensign.

VanDenBerghe, E. (2001, August). Happiness, Health, and Marriage. Ensign.

Week #6 – Cherishing Your Spouse

There are times when it can be so easy to find fault with ones spouse.  When I am tired, overwhelmed, stressed, or feeling unappreciated I can find myself thinking critically of my husband.  I may notice he didn’t do the dishes, or that he is sitting enjoying a show and relaxing while I struggle to finish the laundry or get dinner started.  I can find myself thinking that I do more than he does or that he simply doesn’t see all that I do.  Getting caught up in these feelings can be exhausting and easily perpetuate ill feelings.

I have found that when these thoughts creep into my mind that a quick evaluation of current circumstances can (a majority of the time) eliminate further negative thought or criticism.  I think that first and foremost having a general feeling and knowledge that your spouse desires your comfort and to be of personal assistance is key.  With that established it is easier to evaluate a lack of help or acknowledgement.  I can stop myself and ask, “What is going on in his life (as it pertains to him personally) or our life together that may be causing him to not see or have time to complete these tasks?”, “How might he be stressed or overwhelmed (and maybe not telling me) that would cause him to overlook the needs of myself or our home?”, and “What can I do to better communicate constructively to him my need for help?”.  Asking myself these questions takes the focus off of me and my expectations and places it on him and how I can best understand the absence of his help as I know that generally he is not inclined to ignore such needs.  By asking myself these questions I can diffuse my own frustration and focus on helping him to find balance again so that together we reestablish balance in our relationship and home. 

Catching ones spouse doing something right and helpful can be just as easy as finding fault when we foster a fondness and continued admiration for our spouse.  Dr. John Gottman says that fondness and admiration is the antidote to contempt within a marriage.  He says, “By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities-even as you grapple with each other’s flaws- you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating.  If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree.  Without the fundamental belief that your spouse is worthy of honor and respect, where is the basis for any kind of rewarding relationship? The key to reinvigorating fondness and admiration is to get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate.” (Gottman, 2015)

So when I come upon a sink full of dishes that I am too tired to load into the dishwasher and my husband sits relaxing on the couch I have a choice to make.  I can complain, I can nag him, I can shame or guilt him into compliance with my desires.   This may get me what I want but it won’t foster fondness and it won’t be an expression of my admiration of him.  Instead, I can ask him nicely if he’d load the dishwasher once his show is over, sit down beside him and express my love for him and tell him that I am really tired and that his help with the dishes after the show would be really appreciated, or maybe realize that his day was equally as hard (or harder) and as much as I want to relax too it won’t take me long to load the dishwasher and then I can relax with him longer.  There are always alternatives and many of them can be positive when we are faced with a potentially negative experience.  I will be the first to admit that I don’t always get this right but I keep trying and I try to learn from the times I get it wrong. 

Ultimately I want my husband to know that I love him and that we are in this together!  I want him to give me the benefit of the doubt when I seem cranky or tired.  I want him to not think ill of me but to rather assume the best even in the face of the worst.  If I want these things of him then I should offer him the same accommodations.  Cherishing our marriage means more than mere words, it means doing more positively and saying less negatively.  It means fostering fondness and admiration every day.

 

Reference:

Clinton, T. (2013, October 3). Life, Love, & Family [Audio Podcast]. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/zVzTD22fQM4.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown .

Week #5: Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriage

While there are many things that can negatively affect ones marriage, there are studies that prove that key predictors can assist married couples in assessing their marital quality and relationship.  Thus helping them to potentially avoid divorce.  Dr. John Gottman, considered one our country’s foremost relationship experts, has done extensive research into the behaviors that often lead to divorce and the nature of marital relationships prior to divorce consideration among couples.  His research is practical as he conducts studies of couples as they interact in one of his “love labs”, a room set up much like any other living area and where he watches couples interact during encounters that often cause them conflict.  While the encounter is recorded for future reference often Dr. Gottman and his associates view the interaction live so as to provide feedback to the participants quickly and throughout their interaction.  This “coaching” provides opportunity to not only avoid conflict escalation but also to tackle the various aspects of the confrontation piece by piece.  Dr. Gottman offers suggestions for handling aspects of the confrontation that are structured a more bonadaptive fashion. 

Dr. Gottman, in his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, shares six signs of threat to the success of a marriage.  These include:

1.     Harsh Start-up

2.     The Four Horseman

a.     Criticism

b.     Contempt

c.     Defensiveness

d.     Stonewalling

3.     Flooding

4.     Body Language

5.     Failed Repair Attempts

6.     Bad Memories

Dr. Gottman says that often times it is not necessarily what couples argue about but rather the way they argue that eventually lead to future mistrust and negativity. (Gottman, 2015)  If a couple allows these various aspects to enter their discussions with their spouse there is greater risk for failure to appropriately communicate and to resolve the issue at hand. 

A basic definition of each of the six steps and examples (as shared in Dr. Gottman’s book) are;

Harsh Start-up = when a discussion begins with criticism and/or sarcasm. “Oh yes, I forgot (smirking sarcastically), you do soooo much around the house when you pick up after just yourself!”

Criticism = a global expression of negative feelings or opinions about another’s personality or character.  Common forms include, “You always” and “You never”. 

Contempt = a sense of superiority over ones partner, showing disrespect and it is typically fueled by long standing negativity felt towards ones partner. (“So you think this time will be different than the last 10 times we’ve tried to make this work?”)

Defensiveness = a way of blaming ones partner.  “The problem isn’t me, its you”.  Common form is the “innocent victim” stance, often entails whining and send the message “Why are you picking on me?” “What about all the good I do?”  “There’s no pleasing you.”  Contributes to flooding, and makes it harder to hear repair attempts.

Stonewalling = when one partner tunes out after conversations start with harsh start-up, where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness and vice versa.  According to Dr. Gottman this is far more common among men.  One looks away or down, doesn’t engage in conversation, acts as though they could care less about what is being said.  This is found to be less common among newlyweds. 

Flooding = Feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed.  Occurs when a spouse’s negativity is so intense and sudden that it leaves the other shell-shocked.  Feel defenseless and learn to do anything to avoid a replay.

Body Language = the physical aspects of ones communication which cause flooding.  Increased heart rate, hormonal changes, and increased blood pressure are most apparent.

Failed Repair Attempts = when a spouse attempts a repair attempt (“Let’s take a break”, “Wait, I need to calm down”) used to de-escalate the tension during difficult discussions but that attempt fails.  This is used to prevent flooding.   

Bad Memories = when the past of ones relationship is tainted by the negativity of the present and potential future.  Some relationships become so engrossed in negativity that there can be a rewriting of the couples past that reflects that same negative outlook. (Instead of remembering the effort and time he spent preparing to propose she instead remembers that he accidentally left the ring box sitting on the table in his apartment, spoiling the surprise.)                                                    

(Gottman, 2015)

As one can see, there are many signs that can become red flags to couples as they communicate about difficult subjects.  If a couple can learn to start their discussions with softer start-ups, avoid the entry of the four horsemen, and therefore flooding and failed repair attempts, then there is a greater likelihood of successful resolution. As Terry Baker says in "Don’t Let Negativism Ruin Your Marriage", "When you see only the negative things about your spouse, the marriage is on a downward spiral. Yet you can change that direction by changing your perspective." (Baker, 2001) We can all have a greater perspective, an eternal perspective, when it comes to our marriages.  Let us all speak kind words to each other and eliminate the negativity.

Reference:

Baker, T. (2001, March). Don't Let Negativism Ruin Your Marriage. Ensign. 

Gottman, J.M. (2015). How I Predict Divorce. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.   (pp.31-48)