Week #8 - Beware of Pride

While some mistakes and missteps in marriage are intentional and purposeful among spouses there is one that can often be committed in ignorance.  The sin I speak of is pride.  While many think of pride as “self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness” there remains a central feature of pride that President Ezra Taft Benson identifies as “enmity”.  (Benson, 1989)  This enmity can be toward God and toward His children.  Enmity is said to mean “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition”. (Benson, 1989) 

In his address titled “Beware of Pride”, President Benson shares ways that pride is manifest in our lives (and marriages).  He says, “It is…in…faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous”.  (Benson, 1989)  Many of these manifestations can exist in a marriage.  In a material world there are many that live well beyond their means as they attempt to keep up with neighbors, friends, or a perceived necessary lifestyle.  I have heard friends speak of their envy and jealousy of other friends who travel abroad, drive high end cars, or live in large and unnecessarily spacious homes.  While we all desire to have nice things our priorities should lie in providing needs first and wants only if practical and affordable. 

We live now in a home that is about half the size of our old home in Ohio.  We went from almost 4,000 square feet to just over 2,000 in our move in 2015.  It was tempting to purchase a larger home, to have something similar to the home we had back east.  But the home prices in Arizona are much higher and an equivalent home would cost us almost three times as much a month.  While the extra space would be nice, it isn’t necessary to the general happiness and security of our family so we choose to be happy where we are and content with what we have.  Now I won’t lie and say that I never enter another persons home that is larger and wish that I had more space but these experiences always give me the opportunity to reflect on why we moved to begin with.  We moved to be closer to our family in the west.  We knew there would be sacrifices for all of us and that they would be hard but we have felt profoundly blessed in making them. 

As for the many other aspects of pride that President Benson mentioned, namely backbiting, faultfinding, murmuring, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving, these can wreak havoc on a marriage too!  Dr. H. Wallace Goddard in his book, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” says that, “acceptance may be more important than change in strong marriages.” (Goddard, 2009)  Our acceptance of our partner’s faults, bad habits, and differences can either tear us apart or, with acceptance, allow us to come together.  Often times the fault we find is more with ourselves than with our partner.  Is his leaving his wet gym clothes hanging over the side of the bathtub hurting anyone?  No.  Are they unsightly to me?  YES!  If I told him that I didn’t like them there he may move them, he may not.  But in the grand scheme of life and eternity, they aren’t hurting anyone and it doesn't matter.  And if it doesn't matter then I can let it go because my relationship with my husband is more important than getting frustrated about some wet gym clothes.  He doesn’t intend to upset me, I know.  And even if he knew it bothered me and did it just the same, a conversation about why it bothered me and why he would do it knowing it bothered me would prove more beneficial than stewing about it.  Having this conversation would be what Dr. Goddard called, “…getting heaven’s perspective and being open to our partner’s point of view”. (Goddard, 2009) 

If we are to avoid pride in marriage and with all our relationships we must make it a choice in all encounters.  We have to choose to forgive, as hard as it may be sometimes.  As it says outside a country church in Alabama “A happy marriage is the union of two forgivers.” (Goddard, 2009) 

 

 

References:

Benson, E. T. (1989, May).  Beware of Pride. Ensign.

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Week #7: Staying Emotionally Connected

 The need to stay emotionally connected in a marriage is imperative.  Emotional connected is just as important, if not more so, than physical connection.  Often times a strong emotional connection lends to a strong physical connection.  Although staying emotionally connected can be challenging in the fast paced, technology driven nature of our society, it is not impossible and in fact is extremely rewarding.

Being emotionally connected to ones spouse requires what Dr. John Gottman calls “turning toward” each other.  In his book “The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work” he lays out the steps to accomplishing this.  These steps include;

1. Be aware of how important the small moments are to ones marriage and its trust level and ongoing level of romance. 
2. Avoid “missing” bids that may be wrapped in a negative emotion such as anger or frustration. (e.g. an exasperated wife weighed down by pregnancy fatigue complains aloud that she feels like she is always the one to empty the dishwasher.  She is seeking help but failing to ask for it appropriately due to her fatigue.)
3. Avoid the many distractions of the technological world.  Unplug from devices and plug into your marriage.
4. Practice active listening when having “stress reducing conversations”.  Be sure to practice the following:
   1. Take turns complaining.
   2. Show real interest in your partner's sharing.
   3. Avoid giving advice that likely isn’t needed, just listen!
   4. Share your understanding by communicating it through shared emotion (e.g. “I can see your upset, I would be upset too.” Or “I am sorry you have to go through this.”)
   5. Be sure to take the side of your partner, presenting a united front.
   6. Express an attitude of unity, let your spouse know they are not alone.
   7. Express and show affection for one another.
   8. Be sure to validate the emotions of your spouse (e.g. I can see why this has upset you.”)
5. When facing fear, sadness or anger acknowledge your awareness and be present while listening intently.
   1. Acknowledge difficulty associated with their emotions.
   2. If personally feeling overwhelmed by your partners problems practice self-soothing.
   3. Keep in mind that the ultimate goal is understanding, don’t attempt to problem-solve.
   4. Explore their emotions by using exploratory statements (e.g. “Tell me more about how that upset you.”) and by asking open-ended questions (e.g. “What do you see as the worst outcome of this?”).
   5. Avoid asking “Why?” as this can come across as a criticism.
   6. Be a witness to their experience and help them to feel their experience matters to you.

In nurturing our relationships we need to be sure that we are also continually nurturing our own emotional and physical health.  By so doing we can be better attuned to the needs of our spouse and better capable of turning toward them.  “The deeper our own mental, emotional, and spiritual reserves are, the greater will be our capacity to nurture and love others, especially our companion.” (Jensen, 1994)

We all have need of connection and marriage can be a place of secure and happiness promoting connection if we continually strive to turn toward one another.  “Marriage can contribute to happiness by satisfying the deep human need for emotional closeness, providing a constant companion with whom to raise a family, go to church, and pray…and it does have an impact on peace of mind.” (VanDenBerghe, 2001)  I know that as I turn toward my spouse I feel a greater degree of closeness.  As we successfully turn toward one another in times of need, whether in sadness or pain, we foster a growing level of security and contentment in our marriage.  Shared feelings, unification of purpose, and knowing that one is not alone allow us to feel safe in our relationship and promote future potential success in our efforts to turn toward each other and remain emotionally connected.  

 

References:

Gottman, J.M. (2015). Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away. The Seven Principles

for Making Marriage Work. (pp.87-105)

Jensen, M.K. (1994, October). A Union of Love and Understanding. Ensign.

VanDenBerghe, E. (2001, August). Happiness, Health, and Marriage. Ensign.

Week #6 – Cherishing Your Spouse

There are times when it can be so easy to find fault with ones spouse.  When I am tired, overwhelmed, stressed, or feeling unappreciated I can find myself thinking critically of my husband.  I may notice he didn’t do the dishes, or that he is sitting enjoying a show and relaxing while I struggle to finish the laundry or get dinner started.  I can find myself thinking that I do more than he does or that he simply doesn’t see all that I do.  Getting caught up in these feelings can be exhausting and easily perpetuate ill feelings.

I have found that when these thoughts creep into my mind that a quick evaluation of current circumstances can (a majority of the time) eliminate further negative thought or criticism.  I think that first and foremost having a general feeling and knowledge that your spouse desires your comfort and to be of personal assistance is key.  With that established it is easier to evaluate a lack of help or acknowledgement.  I can stop myself and ask, “What is going on in his life (as it pertains to him personally) or our life together that may be causing him to not see or have time to complete these tasks?”, “How might he be stressed or overwhelmed (and maybe not telling me) that would cause him to overlook the needs of myself or our home?”, and “What can I do to better communicate constructively to him my need for help?”.  Asking myself these questions takes the focus off of me and my expectations and places it on him and how I can best understand the absence of his help as I know that generally he is not inclined to ignore such needs.  By asking myself these questions I can diffuse my own frustration and focus on helping him to find balance again so that together we reestablish balance in our relationship and home. 

Catching ones spouse doing something right and helpful can be just as easy as finding fault when we foster a fondness and continued admiration for our spouse.  Dr. John Gottman says that fondness and admiration is the antidote to contempt within a marriage.  He says, “By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities-even as you grapple with each other’s flaws- you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating.  If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree.  Without the fundamental belief that your spouse is worthy of honor and respect, where is the basis for any kind of rewarding relationship? The key to reinvigorating fondness and admiration is to get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate.” (Gottman, 2015)

So when I come upon a sink full of dishes that I am too tired to load into the dishwasher and my husband sits relaxing on the couch I have a choice to make.  I can complain, I can nag him, I can shame or guilt him into compliance with my desires.   This may get me what I want but it won’t foster fondness and it won’t be an expression of my admiration of him.  Instead, I can ask him nicely if he’d load the dishwasher once his show is over, sit down beside him and express my love for him and tell him that I am really tired and that his help with the dishes after the show would be really appreciated, or maybe realize that his day was equally as hard (or harder) and as much as I want to relax too it won’t take me long to load the dishwasher and then I can relax with him longer.  There are always alternatives and many of them can be positive when we are faced with a potentially negative experience.  I will be the first to admit that I don’t always get this right but I keep trying and I try to learn from the times I get it wrong. 

Ultimately I want my husband to know that I love him and that we are in this together!  I want him to give me the benefit of the doubt when I seem cranky or tired.  I want him to not think ill of me but to rather assume the best even in the face of the worst.  If I want these things of him then I should offer him the same accommodations.  Cherishing our marriage means more than mere words, it means doing more positively and saying less negatively.  It means fostering fondness and admiration every day.

 

Reference:

Clinton, T. (2013, October 3). Life, Love, & Family [Audio Podcast]. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/zVzTD22fQM4.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown .

Week #5: Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriage

While there are many things that can negatively affect ones marriage, there are studies that prove that key predictors can assist married couples in assessing their marital quality and relationship.  Thus helping them to potentially avoid divorce.  Dr. John Gottman, considered one our country’s foremost relationship experts, has done extensive research into the behaviors that often lead to divorce and the nature of marital relationships prior to divorce consideration among couples.  His research is practical as he conducts studies of couples as they interact in one of his “love labs”, a room set up much like any other living area and where he watches couples interact during encounters that often cause them conflict.  While the encounter is recorded for future reference often Dr. Gottman and his associates view the interaction live so as to provide feedback to the participants quickly and throughout their interaction.  This “coaching” provides opportunity to not only avoid conflict escalation but also to tackle the various aspects of the confrontation piece by piece.  Dr. Gottman offers suggestions for handling aspects of the confrontation that are structured a more bonadaptive fashion. 

Dr. Gottman, in his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, shares six signs of threat to the success of a marriage.  These include:

1.     Harsh Start-up

2.     The Four Horseman

a.     Criticism

b.     Contempt

c.     Defensiveness

d.     Stonewalling

3.     Flooding

4.     Body Language

5.     Failed Repair Attempts

6.     Bad Memories

Dr. Gottman says that often times it is not necessarily what couples argue about but rather the way they argue that eventually lead to future mistrust and negativity. (Gottman, 2015)  If a couple allows these various aspects to enter their discussions with their spouse there is greater risk for failure to appropriately communicate and to resolve the issue at hand. 

A basic definition of each of the six steps and examples (as shared in Dr. Gottman’s book) are;

Harsh Start-up = when a discussion begins with criticism and/or sarcasm. “Oh yes, I forgot (smirking sarcastically), you do soooo much around the house when you pick up after just yourself!”

Criticism = a global expression of negative feelings or opinions about another’s personality or character.  Common forms include, “You always” and “You never”. 

Contempt = a sense of superiority over ones partner, showing disrespect and it is typically fueled by long standing negativity felt towards ones partner. (“So you think this time will be different than the last 10 times we’ve tried to make this work?”)

Defensiveness = a way of blaming ones partner.  “The problem isn’t me, its you”.  Common form is the “innocent victim” stance, often entails whining and send the message “Why are you picking on me?” “What about all the good I do?”  “There’s no pleasing you.”  Contributes to flooding, and makes it harder to hear repair attempts.

Stonewalling = when one partner tunes out after conversations start with harsh start-up, where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness and vice versa.  According to Dr. Gottman this is far more common among men.  One looks away or down, doesn’t engage in conversation, acts as though they could care less about what is being said.  This is found to be less common among newlyweds. 

Flooding = Feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed.  Occurs when a spouse’s negativity is so intense and sudden that it leaves the other shell-shocked.  Feel defenseless and learn to do anything to avoid a replay.

Body Language = the physical aspects of ones communication which cause flooding.  Increased heart rate, hormonal changes, and increased blood pressure are most apparent.

Failed Repair Attempts = when a spouse attempts a repair attempt (“Let’s take a break”, “Wait, I need to calm down”) used to de-escalate the tension during difficult discussions but that attempt fails.  This is used to prevent flooding.   

Bad Memories = when the past of ones relationship is tainted by the negativity of the present and potential future.  Some relationships become so engrossed in negativity that there can be a rewriting of the couples past that reflects that same negative outlook. (Instead of remembering the effort and time he spent preparing to propose she instead remembers that he accidentally left the ring box sitting on the table in his apartment, spoiling the surprise.)                                                    

(Gottman, 2015)

As one can see, there are many signs that can become red flags to couples as they communicate about difficult subjects.  If a couple can learn to start their discussions with softer start-ups, avoid the entry of the four horsemen, and therefore flooding and failed repair attempts, then there is a greater likelihood of successful resolution. As Terry Baker says in "Don’t Let Negativism Ruin Your Marriage", "When you see only the negative things about your spouse, the marriage is on a downward spiral. Yet you can change that direction by changing your perspective." (Baker, 2001) We can all have a greater perspective, an eternal perspective, when it comes to our marriages.  Let us all speak kind words to each other and eliminate the negativity.

Reference:

Baker, T. (2001, March). Don't Let Negativism Ruin Your Marriage. Ensign. 

Gottman, J.M. (2015). How I Predict Divorce. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.   (pp.31-48)