Week #7: Staying Emotionally Connected

 The need to stay emotionally connected in a marriage is imperative.  Emotional connected is just as important, if not more so, than physical connection.  Often times a strong emotional connection lends to a strong physical connection.  Although staying emotionally connected can be challenging in the fast paced, technology driven nature of our society, it is not impossible and in fact is extremely rewarding.

Being emotionally connected to ones spouse requires what Dr. John Gottman calls “turning toward” each other.  In his book “The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work” he lays out the steps to accomplishing this.  These steps include;

1. Be aware of how important the small moments are to ones marriage and its trust level and ongoing level of romance. 
2. Avoid “missing” bids that may be wrapped in a negative emotion such as anger or frustration. (e.g. an exasperated wife weighed down by pregnancy fatigue complains aloud that she feels like she is always the one to empty the dishwasher.  She is seeking help but failing to ask for it appropriately due to her fatigue.)
3. Avoid the many distractions of the technological world.  Unplug from devices and plug into your marriage.
4. Practice active listening when having “stress reducing conversations”.  Be sure to practice the following:
   1. Take turns complaining.
   2. Show real interest in your partner's sharing.
   3. Avoid giving advice that likely isn’t needed, just listen!
   4. Share your understanding by communicating it through shared emotion (e.g. “I can see your upset, I would be upset too.” Or “I am sorry you have to go through this.”)
   5. Be sure to take the side of your partner, presenting a united front.
   6. Express an attitude of unity, let your spouse know they are not alone.
   7. Express and show affection for one another.
   8. Be sure to validate the emotions of your spouse (e.g. I can see why this has upset you.”)
5. When facing fear, sadness or anger acknowledge your awareness and be present while listening intently.
   1. Acknowledge difficulty associated with their emotions.
   2. If personally feeling overwhelmed by your partners problems practice self-soothing.
   3. Keep in mind that the ultimate goal is understanding, don’t attempt to problem-solve.
   4. Explore their emotions by using exploratory statements (e.g. “Tell me more about how that upset you.”) and by asking open-ended questions (e.g. “What do you see as the worst outcome of this?”).
   5. Avoid asking “Why?” as this can come across as a criticism.
   6. Be a witness to their experience and help them to feel their experience matters to you.

In nurturing our relationships we need to be sure that we are also continually nurturing our own emotional and physical health.  By so doing we can be better attuned to the needs of our spouse and better capable of turning toward them.  “The deeper our own mental, emotional, and spiritual reserves are, the greater will be our capacity to nurture and love others, especially our companion.” (Jensen, 1994)

We all have need of connection and marriage can be a place of secure and happiness promoting connection if we continually strive to turn toward one another.  “Marriage can contribute to happiness by satisfying the deep human need for emotional closeness, providing a constant companion with whom to raise a family, go to church, and pray…and it does have an impact on peace of mind.” (VanDenBerghe, 2001)  I know that as I turn toward my spouse I feel a greater degree of closeness.  As we successfully turn toward one another in times of need, whether in sadness or pain, we foster a growing level of security and contentment in our marriage.  Shared feelings, unification of purpose, and knowing that one is not alone allow us to feel safe in our relationship and promote future potential success in our efforts to turn toward each other and remain emotionally connected.  

 

References:

Gottman, J.M. (2015). Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away. The Seven Principles

for Making Marriage Work. (pp.87-105)

Jensen, M.K. (1994, October). A Union of Love and Understanding. Ensign.

VanDenBerghe, E. (2001, August). Happiness, Health, and Marriage. Ensign.