Week #5: Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriage

While there are many things that can negatively affect ones marriage, there are studies that prove that key predictors can assist married couples in assessing their marital quality and relationship.  Thus helping them to potentially avoid divorce.  Dr. John Gottman, considered one our country’s foremost relationship experts, has done extensive research into the behaviors that often lead to divorce and the nature of marital relationships prior to divorce consideration among couples.  His research is practical as he conducts studies of couples as they interact in one of his “love labs”, a room set up much like any other living area and where he watches couples interact during encounters that often cause them conflict.  While the encounter is recorded for future reference often Dr. Gottman and his associates view the interaction live so as to provide feedback to the participants quickly and throughout their interaction.  This “coaching” provides opportunity to not only avoid conflict escalation but also to tackle the various aspects of the confrontation piece by piece.  Dr. Gottman offers suggestions for handling aspects of the confrontation that are structured a more bonadaptive fashion. 

Dr. Gottman, in his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, shares six signs of threat to the success of a marriage.  These include:

1.     Harsh Start-up

2.     The Four Horseman

a.     Criticism

b.     Contempt

c.     Defensiveness

d.     Stonewalling

3.     Flooding

4.     Body Language

5.     Failed Repair Attempts

6.     Bad Memories

Dr. Gottman says that often times it is not necessarily what couples argue about but rather the way they argue that eventually lead to future mistrust and negativity. (Gottman, 2015)  If a couple allows these various aspects to enter their discussions with their spouse there is greater risk for failure to appropriately communicate and to resolve the issue at hand. 

A basic definition of each of the six steps and examples (as shared in Dr. Gottman’s book) are;

Harsh Start-up = when a discussion begins with criticism and/or sarcasm. “Oh yes, I forgot (smirking sarcastically), you do soooo much around the house when you pick up after just yourself!”

Criticism = a global expression of negative feelings or opinions about another’s personality or character.  Common forms include, “You always” and “You never”. 

Contempt = a sense of superiority over ones partner, showing disrespect and it is typically fueled by long standing negativity felt towards ones partner. (“So you think this time will be different than the last 10 times we’ve tried to make this work?”)

Defensiveness = a way of blaming ones partner.  “The problem isn’t me, its you”.  Common form is the “innocent victim” stance, often entails whining and send the message “Why are you picking on me?” “What about all the good I do?”  “There’s no pleasing you.”  Contributes to flooding, and makes it harder to hear repair attempts.

Stonewalling = when one partner tunes out after conversations start with harsh start-up, where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness and vice versa.  According to Dr. Gottman this is far more common among men.  One looks away or down, doesn’t engage in conversation, acts as though they could care less about what is being said.  This is found to be less common among newlyweds. 

Flooding = Feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed.  Occurs when a spouse’s negativity is so intense and sudden that it leaves the other shell-shocked.  Feel defenseless and learn to do anything to avoid a replay.

Body Language = the physical aspects of ones communication which cause flooding.  Increased heart rate, hormonal changes, and increased blood pressure are most apparent.

Failed Repair Attempts = when a spouse attempts a repair attempt (“Let’s take a break”, “Wait, I need to calm down”) used to de-escalate the tension during difficult discussions but that attempt fails.  This is used to prevent flooding.   

Bad Memories = when the past of ones relationship is tainted by the negativity of the present and potential future.  Some relationships become so engrossed in negativity that there can be a rewriting of the couples past that reflects that same negative outlook. (Instead of remembering the effort and time he spent preparing to propose she instead remembers that he accidentally left the ring box sitting on the table in his apartment, spoiling the surprise.)                                                    

(Gottman, 2015)

As one can see, there are many signs that can become red flags to couples as they communicate about difficult subjects.  If a couple can learn to start their discussions with softer start-ups, avoid the entry of the four horsemen, and therefore flooding and failed repair attempts, then there is a greater likelihood of successful resolution. As Terry Baker says in "Don’t Let Negativism Ruin Your Marriage", "When you see only the negative things about your spouse, the marriage is on a downward spiral. Yet you can change that direction by changing your perspective." (Baker, 2001) We can all have a greater perspective, an eternal perspective, when it comes to our marriages.  Let us all speak kind words to each other and eliminate the negativity.

Reference:

Baker, T. (2001, March). Don't Let Negativism Ruin Your Marriage. Ensign. 

Gottman, J.M. (2015). How I Predict Divorce. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.   (pp.31-48)