Week #6 – Cherishing Your Spouse

There are times when it can be so easy to find fault with ones spouse.  When I am tired, overwhelmed, stressed, or feeling unappreciated I can find myself thinking critically of my husband.  I may notice he didn’t do the dishes, or that he is sitting enjoying a show and relaxing while I struggle to finish the laundry or get dinner started.  I can find myself thinking that I do more than he does or that he simply doesn’t see all that I do.  Getting caught up in these feelings can be exhausting and easily perpetuate ill feelings.

I have found that when these thoughts creep into my mind that a quick evaluation of current circumstances can (a majority of the time) eliminate further negative thought or criticism.  I think that first and foremost having a general feeling and knowledge that your spouse desires your comfort and to be of personal assistance is key.  With that established it is easier to evaluate a lack of help or acknowledgement.  I can stop myself and ask, “What is going on in his life (as it pertains to him personally) or our life together that may be causing him to not see or have time to complete these tasks?”, “How might he be stressed or overwhelmed (and maybe not telling me) that would cause him to overlook the needs of myself or our home?”, and “What can I do to better communicate constructively to him my need for help?”.  Asking myself these questions takes the focus off of me and my expectations and places it on him and how I can best understand the absence of his help as I know that generally he is not inclined to ignore such needs.  By asking myself these questions I can diffuse my own frustration and focus on helping him to find balance again so that together we reestablish balance in our relationship and home. 

Catching ones spouse doing something right and helpful can be just as easy as finding fault when we foster a fondness and continued admiration for our spouse.  Dr. John Gottman says that fondness and admiration is the antidote to contempt within a marriage.  He says, “By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities-even as you grapple with each other’s flaws- you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating.  If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree.  Without the fundamental belief that your spouse is worthy of honor and respect, where is the basis for any kind of rewarding relationship? The key to reinvigorating fondness and admiration is to get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate.” (Gottman, 2015)

So when I come upon a sink full of dishes that I am too tired to load into the dishwasher and my husband sits relaxing on the couch I have a choice to make.  I can complain, I can nag him, I can shame or guilt him into compliance with my desires.   This may get me what I want but it won’t foster fondness and it won’t be an expression of my admiration of him.  Instead, I can ask him nicely if he’d load the dishwasher once his show is over, sit down beside him and express my love for him and tell him that I am really tired and that his help with the dishes after the show would be really appreciated, or maybe realize that his day was equally as hard (or harder) and as much as I want to relax too it won’t take me long to load the dishwasher and then I can relax with him longer.  There are always alternatives and many of them can be positive when we are faced with a potentially negative experience.  I will be the first to admit that I don’t always get this right but I keep trying and I try to learn from the times I get it wrong. 

Ultimately I want my husband to know that I love him and that we are in this together!  I want him to give me the benefit of the doubt when I seem cranky or tired.  I want him to not think ill of me but to rather assume the best even in the face of the worst.  If I want these things of him then I should offer him the same accommodations.  Cherishing our marriage means more than mere words, it means doing more positively and saying less negatively.  It means fostering fondness and admiration every day.

 

Reference:

Clinton, T. (2013, October 3). Life, Love, & Family [Audio Podcast]. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/zVzTD22fQM4.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown .