Week 10#: Seek to Understand

The more we commend our spouse, the more we see in them to commend (Goddard, 2009).  Dr. Wallace Goddard states that most of us enjoy at least 80% of our spouse’s traits, the remaining 20% tend to annoy and cause us ill feelings.  John Gottman has made some intriguing discoveries about the 20% we tend to dislike.  He says that roughly 70% of what we do not like simply cannot be changed (Goddard, 2009).  I’m not a math person but I like to quantify things as best as possible to understand them.  So, let’s say my spouse exhibits 100 qualities/characteristics.  If I tolerate 80 of them and dislike 20 of them I’d say that’s pretty good.  If I cannot change 70% of the 20 characteristics, which equates to 14 them, then there are only 6 characteristics that I have much, if any, control over aiding in changing.  I am sorry but if there are 80 I can enjoy and 14 I cannot change but must accept through charity and selflessness, then why would I choose to be intolerant, turn away, criticize, or consider leaving him over 6 characteristics? 

 

If we view the things we don't like as being the majority, we are less likely to be successful at resolving our differences.  Let's keep things in perspective...

“Keep working on your unresolvable conflicts.  Couples who are demanding of their marriages are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions than those who lower their expectations.” (Gottman, 2015)  If there were only 6 unresolvable matters that pertained to my spouse and I had little or no influence on changing them there doesn’t need to be entire abandonment of efforts to accept them.  I may never change the fact that my husband is practical about everything, including his leaving his wet gym clothes laying on our tub to “dry” as opposed to putting them in the hamper where they may “stink up the closet”.  While their presence on the tub causes me slight annoyance I understand his practical nature and appreciate his thoughtfulness at not wanting to smell up our closet.  I may not change his actions, to him they seem logical, but I can accept them and learn to (as I have) overlook them.  Does it matter that they are there?  Why does it bother me?  If he isn’t quick to put them in the hamper once they are dry, I can do it!  There is no harm or great sacrifice in my doing this.  I don’t see this as lowering my expectations but instead exhibiting charity so as to build the strength of my marriage.  As Dr. Goddard said, “The single most promising marriage-fixing effort is not tinkering with our partners’ characters; it is in loving, cherishing, and appreciating them!” (Goddard, 2009)

We can best understand our spouses if we can better see ourselves in their shoes, to see things from their perspective.  Let us not be critical but understanding.  Let us see and accept our own flaws so that we might better accept those of our spouse.  Christie H. Frandsen in a talk titled “Is There Trust in Your Marriage?” said, “I have found that trust in my spouse does not require that we agree in every decision—that is simply unrealistic. It does mean, however, that I securely trust his efforts and good intentions. Then when differences occur, communication and compromise can take place in an atmosphere of good will and love. For both of us, forgiveness and tolerance have become important manifestations of that basic trust. In such an environment, despite occasional errors in judgment, our trust has remained high, our love and understanding have flourished, and our marriage bonds have become stronger. The trust that we have invested in each other has yielded a rich return.” (Frandsen, 1988)  Trusting in our spouses’ intentions and manifesting trust as we tolerate behaviors or actions that are harmless further exemplifies our desire to be more like the Savior.  

I want to honor and cherish my husband.  I can do this by seeking to understand his intentions, his actions, and his choices.  By communicating with him openly and warmly I can seek to understand his perspective and to gain a greater understanding of his thinking.  By seeking to understand I am seeking to strengthen our bond.

References:

Frandsen, C.H. (1988, September). Is There Trust in Your Marriage?. Ensign.

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J.M. (2015). Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.