“…Our
whole soul offerings are likely to bless our partners even as they refine us.”
(Goddard, 2009) Offering ourselves
wholeheartedly to our spouse can be hard at times. We all have an innate desire to have solitude
and tendencies to be selfish. To be able
to see the potential refinement of these offerings can be easy at times.
However, do we always see the ways in which these offerings bless the life of
our spouse?
I may not
be motivated to change myself but I am motivated to bless my spouse. I adore Rob and I feel it a great blessing to
have him as my eternal companion. I
accept his faults just as he accepts mine and together we attempt daily to
offer ourselves to each other so as to bless not just each other but also our
family. When we do our best to keep an
eternal perspective in all our doings we are most successful at meeting each
others needs, avoiding conflict, and building the strengths of our relationship
further.
It is our
experience that most problems we encounter are solvable. Our problems are “less painful,
gut-wrenching, or intense than perpetual…ones” (Gottman, 2015). We have been able to avoid much of the
frustration associated with perpetual problems by following some of Dr.
Gottman’s keys to managing conflict.
These are:
1. Negative Emotions are important. Listening to our spouse’s negative feelings can be hard but is important
to their feeling heard and listened to. In
time and with effort one can learn to decipher the true meaning behind ones
negative emotions.
2. No one is right.
It is
important to remember that we are all imperfect and have our own perceptions,
which can often vary from that of our spouse.
3. Acceptance is crucial.
When our
spouse feels accepted by us then they are more inclined to trust us and to feel
our love and accept our advice or assistance.
4. Focus on fondness and admiration. Learning to accept faults and to instead focus our attention on our
mutual fondness and admiration for one another will serve us better than
focusing on our contentions.
When it comes
to solving solvable problems in marriage it is helpful to follow the steps Dr.
Gottman’s outlines:
1. Soften your start-up.
If we can
approach a problem without introducing the Four Horseman (referenced in an
earlier post) we are more likely to be successful at resolving the
problem. This can include taking some
responsibility for the problem at hand. Dr.
Gottman says the best soft start-up have four parts: “(1) “I share some
responsibility for this…” (2) Here’s how I feel… (3) about a specific situation
and … (4) here’s what I need…(positive need, not what you don’t need).” (Gottman, 2015)
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts. “What separates stable, emotionally intelligent marriages from others is
not that their repair attempts are necessarily more skillful or better thought
out but that repair attempts get through to the spouse.” (Gottman, 2015)
3. Soothe yourself and each other. If we can avoid flooding then the repair
attempts we make are more likely to be received by our spouses. Sometimes taking a break from a tense
conversation can allow avoidance of flooding and a better chance to successful
resolution when meeting again to discuss it after each spouse is calm again.
4. Compromise. By accepting the influence
of each other we can better reach a compromise to our problems.
5. Process any grievances so that they don’t linger. Resolution of problems will best serve a couple over burying and further
rehashing at later times. “If emotional
injuries are not addressed, they tend to become constant irritants-like a stone
in your shoe that you keep walking on.” (Gottman, 2015)
As we
offer our whole souls to our spouse and do our best to avoid perpetual problems
as well as to constructively solve those problems that are solvable, we can
find greater peace and happiness in marriage.
It isn’t always easy but typically anything worth having in life is
worth working hard to achieve. Why would
marriage be any different?
Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage:
powerful principles with eternal results.
Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.
Gottman, J.M. (2015). Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
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