Week 11: Transitions in marriage: Fidelity and Physical Intimacy

I don’t believe anyone enters marriage thinking or knowing that one day they will become unfaithful to their spouse.  I suppose it is possible but I would hope it is a rarity.  I know that for a dear friend, Sarah (name changed by request), she never saw her eternal marriage encountering the pain of infidelity.  Sarah and her husband Peter (name change by request) met and fell in love at an early age.  They were married in 1998 and began a life that would not be absent of challenge.  It wasn't long after marrying that Sarah and Peter became aware of their inability to conceive.  Painful and expensive fertility treatment along with subsequent miscarriages brought them to their collective knees in desperation to have a family.  In time it was evident that adoption was the answer.  It was some time later that a family had need of placing triplets and Sarah and Peter were blessed to become their eternal parents.  The kids were sealed to Sarah and Peter shortly after their adoption was finalized.  It was a beautiful and happy day for this sweet family. 

Sarah and Peter appeared, for all intents and purposes, to have a very solid and happy marriage.  They were great parents that deeply loved their children and each other.  Peter was a hard worker and had a knack for balancing home and family with a career that often took him on trips for days at a time.  In his industry there was many lunch meetings, overnight trips, and long work nights.  These may seem innocent in the grand scheme of things but when accompanied by festering dissatisfaction in ones marriage and seeking relief from the tensions of home, these can be opportunities for Satan to influence and encourage unfaithfulness.  Peter worked closely with a female coworker, often traveling together for overnight trips and meetings.  Shared cabs, work lunches (consisting of just the two of them), traveling together on business trips (including shared rental cars), etc.  all contributed to their consistent exposure to each other.  It is hard in such circumstances to not find oneself talking of home, children, and even frustrations with both. 

It wasn’t long after these trips and shared encounters began that there was a growing affection between Peter and his coworker.  In the name of “saving company money” they justified their shared encounters.  Before they knew it there was a breach and breaking of covenants for Peter and marriage vows for his coworker.  Two families were destroyed, four children (collectively) impacted eternally by the actions of one of their parents.  What started out as innocent attempts to “save money” ended up costing Peter and his coworker their families. 

Dr. H. Wallace Goddard shares the progression of unfaithfulness:

1. Behaviors that seem innocent (i.e., missionary work, doing good, helping in some capacity).
2. An affection grows that claims part of one’s heart.
3. Extramarital flirting. Justification – “No harm intended”.
4. Relationship described as “special”.
5. Opportunities created to see “special friend” (one worries what others will say/think).
6. Excuses made, lies told to hide time and resources spent on other person.
7. Spouse is displaced.  Emotional intimacy exchanged with “special friend”.
8. Faultfinding with spouse.
9. Fantasies about other person.
10. Physical affection- a hug, a kiss.
11. Sexual relations.

(Goddard, 2009)

Veon G. Smith in an address titled “Warning Signs of Infidelity” shared this insight, “Fidelity, like infidelity, is a process. Fidelity, the positive quality, is measured by the degree of loyalty, allegiance, and commitment between husband and wife. Infidelity, the negative quality, results from insufficient feelings of loyalty and allegiance. Any action that fosters inappropriate relationships with another person erodes fidelity.”  Peter may have thought his actions innocent but he set himself up to be tempted and influenced by the adversary.  Sadly, this can happen to anyone if not vigilant in their efforts to guard and protect the fidelity of their marriage. 

One way that my husband and I attempt to safeguard our marriage from such temptation is to follow a mission rule my husband (and likely many missionaries) are asked to adhere to.  We never put ourselves in the position to be alone with someone of the opposite sex that is not our spouse.  This means no sharing rides, no lunches for work meetings or otherwise (without other coworkers present), no shared rental cars on business trips, etc.  If we are ever in a position where we find ourselves alone with someone of the opposite sex we do whatever we can to remedy it.  For instance, I was going to the church building recently prior to an activity.  I entered the building to find that I was the only person there other than a fellow male ward member.  Once I realized that no one else had arrived yet I politely excused myself and went to sit in my car until more people arrived.  I know that nothing would have transpired between us other than casual talk but it was against the rule my husband and I made for our marriage to do so.  So my going to my car safeguarded me.  Also, in an attempt to avoid the “appearance” of evil it is a good idea to avoid being alone with someone that is not your spouse.  Someone could potentially misinterpret your interactions and cause unnecessary hurt to ones spouse. 

While our rule may seem silly, and at times I will admit it is not always convenient, it is meant to be a safeguard and it further exhibits our commitment to one another and our desire to protect and value our marriage above all else.  I’ll take the inconvenience for eternal happiness with my sweetheart any day!

 

References:

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Smith, V.G. (1975, January). Warning Signs of Infidelity. Ensign.