Week 13: Transitions in Marriage: In Law Relations

“One of the great gifts parents-in-law can give their marriage children is to recognize early that they must help define and protect the boundary of this new couple” (Hart, 2005)  I haven’t had the experience of marrying off a child yet but I look forward to one day welcoming 3 daughters-in-law and a son-in-law to our family.  I know that their becoming part of our family will be a blessing. 

When my husband and I got engaged I was excited by the idea of having another family to call my own.  My mother-in-law was less excited.  I remember calling her and talking to her and her telling me that we were so young and that she was uncertain about us getting married but that she knew it was our choice.  She expressed feelings of “losing her son”.  I, in an effort to reassure her, quickly replied, “Well really, you’re not losing a son, you’re gaining a daughter!”  I was met with silence on the other end of the phone.  While this hurt me deeply at the time (and in many ways still does) I know that my mother-in-law cares for me in some way.  I didn’t feel this action or her subsequent distancing of herself from us was on her part to respect some boundary but to rather to lay claim on her stance about our marriage.

I would agree with research that states, “…lack of marital approval, … (and) intrusion…are related to poor in-law relationships…” (Hart, 2005)  While I don’t feel that my mother-in-law’s lack of approval in any way jeopardized my marriage I do feel that her lack of approval has strained our relationship to some degree for almost 20 years.  To this day our communication is lacking and awkward.  I have made multiple efforts to reach out and to no avail.  There is so little we share in common that I feel she sees no need for or purpose in our having a relationship.  While research shows that communication is a key component to the building and maintaining of relationships between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, there appears to be little hope for mine. (Hart, 2005) 

Sometimes, I feel though that we may need to go the extra mile. In which case, we must “…develop the ability and self-discipline to think of other family members and their … needs ahead of your own. … One must be willing to forego personal convenience to invest time in establishing a firm foundation for [the] family.” (Ashton,1976)  I am recommitting to doing better at communicating and forgiving my mother-in-law for her lack of interest in our family.  I will do better to reach out to her, to extend a hand of love and accept whatever I receive in return as her best efforts, even if not what I desire or expect.  I know the Lord would want me to do this, to connect and to cherish this relationship. 

 

References:

Ashton, M. J. (1976, April). Family Communications. Ensign.

Hart, C. H. (2005). Helping and healing our families: principles and practices inspired by the family: a proclamation to the world. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.